You've been longing for a partner by your side for a long time? But somehow it just doesn't work out with you and Cupid? Slowly you are plagued by self-doubt and you ask yourself: Am I incapable of a relationship?
In the beginning everything is perfect, the tingling in the stomach, the rose-colored glasses. But then it gets serious and you pull back?
"I think I'm afraid of relationships" - does this thought sound familiar? And yet you are looking for a partner with whom you can share your life.
You still prefer to keep it casual and are therefore unhappy. Is this inability to have a relationship? Does it really exist at all or do we just use this word to disguise our fear of a relationship?
We'll get to the bottom of the phenomenon and explain how you can overcome commitment anxiety in just a few steps!
Unable to relate - What does that mean?
The word is quickly said and ubiquitous in today's "generation unable to relate".
I also know this from my circle of friends. "He's totally incapable of having a relationship, the way he breaks up so often."
But what does relationally unfit mean anyway? The term itself sounds like a horror diagnosis at the doctor's: discouraging and unchangeable.
I can reassure you. There is no such thing as a diagnosis of "unable to have a relationship." Psychologists and couple therapists criticize the word again and again. They agree that true relationship incapacity does not exist in the human psyche.
Not everyone has the same relationship skills; among other things, they depend very much on one's own character and can be practiced and changed. However, every person has the basic need for love and attachment.
Relationship disorder is often referred to in professional jargon as "attachment disorder."
How to overcome commitment anxiety in three steps!
The following character traits and habits are quite typical for attachment disordered people.
You:
- are not able to lead long partnerships and build intensive bonds.
- constantly fall in love again and separate very quickly.
- long for love, but cannot allow it.
- appear distant and emotionless to the partner.
- cannot open up and talk about problems with their partner, "saying I love you" is very difficult for them.
- do not really let the partner participate in the personal life.
- think too much and go round in circles.
- prefer casual affairs, although they long for a long-term partnership.
There are often conflicts in relationships that quickly lead to separation.
These points hide many problems such as different fears, narcissism and lack of trust. You see, the typical causes of an attachment disorder often lie in your subconscious.
The possible answer to the question, "Why am I single?"
It's really amazing: 30 to 40 percent of people really do have problems with relationships - that's what psychotherapist Stefanie Stahl says, among others. No wonder you've also asked yourself the question "Am I incapable of having relationships?"
Why you can't have a relationship that is long term and happy can have many psychological reasons.
The problems often go back further and are not due to the current situation. The origin often lies in childhood, when there was a lack of love and attention. Negative experiences from previous relationships can also be a reason.
That's how you know your relationship is really on the rocks!
Origins of relationship anxiety
Commitment Anxiety:
Affected people are not afraid of a relationship, but find it great at the beginning. However, as soon as it starts to get serious, they withdraw.
Steps like "meeting the parents," moving in together, or even getting married are often triggers for withdrawal. For this reason, people get "cold feet" just before the wedding.
Fear of loss:
These people fear from the very start of the relationship that their partner will leave them and hurt them.
The fear of losing a beloved partner can be an obstacle to getting involved in a relationship from the very beginning.
In order to protect themselves from this disappointment and pain, those affected distance themselves and keep their distance.
Anticipatory anxiety:
If the pressure of expectations on a partnership, for example through the perfect marriage modeled by parents, is too great, this is often the reason for the end of a relationship.
Or, on the contrary, one's own fear of the partner's expectations being too high and not living up to them can put a lot of strain on one and lead to ending the relationship.
These are the 10 phase that every relationship goes through!
Fear of no longer being independent:
A relationship also always means compromise, consideration and conditionally also loss of control.
Especially people who are very self-confident and independent tend to see their own lifestyle as set in stone. So the partner should just fit in.
Thus, the search for Mister or Misses Right becomes a Never Ending Search, because without compromise and a certain adjustment to the partner, a relationship does not work.
The urge to continue to be completely independent is a no-go when it comes to a happy relationship.
Personality problems:
There is a large amount of personality disorders that make a relationship with the person very difficult.
The unwillingness to deal with one's own psyche and problems is often a relationship killer. Experiences from the past can often be the reason when relationships become complicated again and again and end more quickly and often than average. Relationships with narcissists are particularly difficult.
Low self-esteem:
When you feel like you're not lovable and can't keep your partner for long anyway, it hinders you from having new relationships.
A lack of self-esteem causes some people to even become afraid of a closer relationship. And yet they ask themselves, "Why am I single?"
A happy relationship is based on these 8 pillars!
Too much pressure:
Unfortunately, I know this personally as well. You put too much pressure on yourself to finally find the right partner. Everyone gets married, has children and you are still alone.
The just too desperate search for a life partner can mean the exact opposite.
Either you choose people who don't really suit you, or your new partner feels immediately overwhelmed and constricted. If you recognize yourself, you must not ask yourself "Am I incapable of a relationship?
Social conventions:
In today's society, having a partner and starting a family is normal. For many, this represents an incredible burden. So it happens that people throw themselves into unhappy relationships just to live up to these conventions.
On the whole, it can be said that people who are afraid of a relationship have much more than a fear. They want independence, don't like to commit, feel worthless or have had bad experiences in the past.
Beliefs such as "I'm incapable of a relationship!", "I have to bend for a commitment", "I can only be truly free without a partnership", "I have to earn love." or basic things like "I'm not enough" can be decisive for failure in the search for a partner.
That's why you're permanently single!
Effects on private life
If you are supposedly incapable of relationships, you often provoke separations or live a very distant behavior. Fears of dependency or loss plague you and you shy away from close connections. So you block them. You are single and cannot have a relationship.
Of course, this condition also affects your personal life and influences you.
It can even make you more lonely, make you shut yourself off because you are frustrated. On the other hand, these kinds of experiences can also lead to closedness towards new potential partners and insecurity, due to self-doubt.
Your fears and problems lead to certain behaviors that influence your further search for a partner, your choice of partner, and the form of your subsequent relationships. The flight into avoidance strategies, which can then also be interpreted as relationship fears, is obvious. Honestly, no one wants to be emotionally hurt and feel bad. Neither do I.
However, you still carry the desire for love and a partnership within you.
Changing the negative thinking and behavioral traits is difficult, but not impossible!
How to make a relationship work in the long term
What can you change?
Most of the time, an inability to have a relationship is based on focusing on what we don't want (pain, loss of control, disappointment). But now it's time to find out what you really want in a relationship. This is how your path finally leads out of relationship anxiety.
You need to reflect on yourself now. You should know your problems, because only when you become aware of them, you can do something about them.
Analyze the patterns of your past relationships, analyze your choice of partner. Listen to yourself. Once you have dealt with yourself and thought about possible causes for relationship fears, you can start directly at the root.
Wrongly learned beliefs from childhood can still influence you now. Too much or too little love from your parents can still affect later relationships, because the relationship patterns imprinted in your childhood last forever.
Self-awareness is the magic word here. Look at yourself and your relationships from a new perspective. Your behavior patterns are a few, like a software that now needs to be reprogrammed due to new insights.
If you have traumatic experiences behind you, therapy is the right thing for you. This way you can clean up your own past and finally make room for a new loved one by your side.
Our conclusion
"Am I incapable of relationships?" We should have answered that question for you by now. The answer is no.
Yes, the search for love is not easy - we admit that. However, the arrow for Cupid's bow is usually in your own hand.
Don't hide behind fears of loss and commitment! Reflect yourself, your behavior and your partnerships, so that you soon no longer think "I'm afraid of this relationship", but "Here is the arrow Cupid, hit the right one!
Because everyone deserves great happiness and now you know how to find it!
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