You would like to have a steady partner but somehow you don't really dare? We tell you how you can overcome your fear of commitment!
The idea of sitting on the sofa with a loved one, having adventures together and just being happy appeals to you.
But at the same time, these thoughts make you panic. You want to flee immediately, feel cramped and maybe even get heart palpitations?
It's time for you to overcome your fear of relationships. The sofa and adventures together are waiting for you! :)
Table of contents
Did you know that many relationship problems have their origin in attachment disorders? Many sufferers are not aware that they have to overcome their attachment anxiety before they can have a happy relationship.
And most are not even aware that they have attachment disorders.
If you want to overcome your fear of commitment, you must first understand it properly. Only then can you find a way to leave it behind.
Attachment anxiety often hides fears such as.
- from being hurt or disappointed
- to be able to miss something
- not being good enough
Why you need to know the origin to overcome commitment anxiety
Only those who know where attachment disorder comes from can take action against it. Attachment anxiety is a typical anxiety disorder. Very often it arises in childhood. Quite subconsciously, we take it with us into adult life.
That's why you're jealous all the time!
Very often, sensitive children tend to do this as adults. It may be that they have found the bond with a caregiver unreliable. Have been abandoned or frequently disappointed.
However, it may also first appear in adulthood.
Only when you manage to know the origin, to process the reason for the fear, you can have a relationship that works.
How to overcome your commitment anxiety in 3 steps
You are afraid of closeness and a committed relationship. Nevertheless, you long for it in your innermost being. You see how your friends are in a committed relationship and you don't really want anything else than them.
The fact that you are aware that you need to overcome your attachment anxiety in order to get where you want to go is the first step.
You need to consciously deal with the issue and face unpleasant feelings.
Because if you have a partner right now, you're both suffering.
1. become aware that you have a commitment problem
As with any anxiety disorder, overcoming attachment anxiety can only succeed if you consciously face your anxiety.
For this to succeed, you need to admit to yourself that something went mighty wrong in your past (and perhaps existing) relationships.
What relationship phase are you in right now?
Own up to the fact that painful childhood experiences may be behind your unexplained fear.
Ask yourself these questions
- What attitude toward relationships have you developed through old experiences?
- What are you afraid of?
- What are you afraid of giving up or losing?
It can also make sense if you think back to your childhood. What was your parents' relationship like? What did they model for you and what was your relationship with them?
2. face your fear and question your actions
Now it's a matter of confronting your fears. Only in this way can you work through the problem.
Okay, you have a trauma from childhood. You should take that seriously. But realize that you are an adult. You are now at an age where you can take care of yourself.
Many adults have problems in their relationship because too much was asked of them as children. Now you have it in your own hands. You no longer have to meet your parents' expectations in order to receive recognition and love.
Ask yourself these questions
- Is my partner really immediately bitterly angry when I deny him a wish?
- Does my partner actually expect this from me? Or am I putting pressure on myself?
- Is it really me if I voice my opinion and my partner is offended?
Your partner wants to clarify something with you, but you immediately switch to stubbornness and see even a small thing as a disaster? Would you like to run away immediately or shout no loudly and cover your ears?
This is the wounded child speaking out of you. If you want to overcome your attachment anxiety, you must appeal to the adult in you. Ask yourself: Is my partner perhaps right? Is it really so bad if I give in? Is it possible to solve the problem in a normal conversation?
Your inner adult must gain the upper hand. There is not only black and white, but many wonderful colors in between. You don't have to react stubbornly and sulk immediately. Realize that there is a lot of room for maneuver and compromise.
Do you really want me to break up with you?
3. strengthen your self-confidence and open yourself to others
As someone who wants to overcome commitment anxiety, your fear of rejection runs very deep. Very often it is due to low self-esteem.
Try to boost your self-confidence.
A positive self-perception is the first step out of disaster. Rethink and revise the image you have of yourself.
Open up to others. Build trust in people.
Overcoming relationship anxiety with a therapist
Therapy? No thanks! I'm not crazy! Unfortunately, far too many people still think like that! But that's complete nonsense.
If you want to overcome your attachment anxiety, then you have to start looking for the cause. This is often enormously difficult on your own. Because situations are involved that happened a very long time ago.
You often won't even have the slightest idea that they're affecting your love life.
It can help to get to the bottom of the problem. And do so in a protected space and with an expert.
You clarify the current situation with the therapist. Together you work on the past and the future. You could work through the three points mentioned above together.
How fear of commitment shows
You are single and don't dare to make the next step. So before it gets too serious, it's better not to get in touch at all.
Or you have made the first step, you are happy. Your partner suggests that you move in together. Then suddenly and without warning you are overcome by inner insecurity. Panic and fear are mixed in.
You withdraw, invent excuses why it's not possible right now. You start to argue about little things. You can't explain the reason for the quarrel.
Very often you don't know why you react so coldly, dismissively and feel constricted. This is because you have a deep-rooted hurt.
In all of these examples, it's a defensive strategy so you don't have to allow closeness.
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There are different stages of attachment anxiety
- The escape before the relationship really begins
You've already been out for coffee together, met for 2-3 dates. And then you get cold feet. You make off without a sound. Keyword: ghosting, i.e. disappearing out of the blue. - You break up
It's getting too tight for you. You get a fear that you can no longer control. To be on the safe side, you break off this relationship at this point. You are afraid that it will soon feel like "forever". Let's go, the next adventure is already waiting for you. - You avoid closeness
Your fear of commitment is not that extreme. You always have a strategy at hand how you can keep him at a distance and still get a little closeness. The classics are: Escape into hobbies, work, infidelity, through sexual restraint.
Often, commitment-phobic people fall in love with married partners. That's because it's a perfect fit. They are unattainable for such real closeness. That creates your desired distance by itself.
What relationship anxiety can feel like
Our feelings are as varied as we are as people. Nevertheless, there are a few classics that occur in almost everyone who wants to overcome their commitment anxiety but simply cannot.
People with anxiety disorders
- feel helpless and lost
- get palpitations
- feel constricted, oppressed
- may be prone to severe tension and have panic attacks
Those who have never learned to overcome attachment anxiety feel helpless and lost when the attachment figure is suddenly no longer there. Like in childhood, when the parents were suddenly gone. Or now as an adult, when the partner is suddenly no longer available.
You really want to build a partnership. But you fail again and again to get involved in the relationship. This confirms your assumption that love only hurts. And the vicious circle starts all over again. This is called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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How attachment anxiety can arise
1. due to a disturbed parent-child relationship
Could it be that your father and mother had too high expectations of you? Because then it very often happens that we as adults have the feeling that we are only loved when we function optimally.
With unconditional affection without pressure and without having to be the best is then difficult for you. But that is exactly what you need later in a relationship to be able to be happy.
If you lack the experience of being loved, even if you are not perfect, then it is extremely difficult to have a partnership.
Affected people withdraw before they are hurt because they very often suffer from feelings of inferiority. Thoughts like "I can't offer you what you deserve" or "I'm never good enough for you" float through the mind.
These thoughts very often arise from a disturbed parent-child relationship. There are a lot of unprocessed feelings at play. Often adults who are affected by this were too sheltered as children.
2. sudden loss
The divorce of your parents, when they had little time for you or you were alone a lot, can also lead to this. The sudden death of a loved one or your own divorce often leaves you with an anxiety disorder.
Unprocessed emotions can often drag on into adulthood.
You then learn to avoid deep relationships out of self-protection. Before someone can get out of the way, you do it. And therefore content yourself with superficial acquaintances.
We all know that devotion and love are very often associated with pain and loss. Those who do not have an anxiety disorder, however, know that they can deal with it and pick themselves up again.
3. negative role model function of parents
As children, we emulate our parents. They teach us everything. Many things we learn consciously and many things we learn subconsciously. So also the way they lead a relationship.
If your parents had a very distant or even loveless relationship, it will also be difficult for you. If you feel no closeness, no tenderness and no love between them, this is often transferred to your love life as an adult.
Our conclusion
If you want to overcome your fear of commitment, you have to start by accepting it and then work against it step by step. The best way to do this is with a therapist. He helps you to get to the bottom of the cause and find out where it hangs.
Based on these insights, you can work together to get the anxiety disorder under control.
Good luck!
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