Did you know that jealousy can have causes in childhood? Read this if you want to know where your mistrust comes from and stop being jealous!
You can be jealous of many things. For the beautiful hair of the sister, for the new car of the girlfriend, for the better lunch of the colleague and for the new work colleague of the friend.
The list could be continued indefinitely.
Often jealousy has causes that we would not even have thought possible.
Only when you know what causes jealousy, you can get a grip on it.
Table of contents
What jealousy feels like
According to the definition, jealousy is the tormenting feeling of love withdrawal. It is the fear of loss and rejection.
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Depending on our personality and negative experiences in the past, we tend to want to hold on to a person more or less.
When you are jealous, you go through a whole range of feelings and do things you would never do otherwise. Jealousy is a mixture of feelings and behaviors.
If you're jealous,
- you are afraid,
- you feel desperate,
- you tense,
- you think about the possibility of losing a loved one,
- then you have trouble sleeping and concentrating
- you can even get headaches, backaches or stomachaches in bad cases.
When you're jealous, your body produces a whole lot of neurotransmitters in abundance. It feels like a rush that gets stronger and stronger.
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Why jealousy in the relationship is poison
Jealousy is the love killer par excellence.
No question: It's good to be attentive. When you suddenly have the feeling that your partner is just going astray.
Jealousy is a sign that things are not going so well between you right now. After all, why should you be jealous when everything is just fine and your partner is carrying you on his hands?
This does not mean that your partner is cheating. But if you are cheated on, you have every right to be angry, jealous and offended.
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But there are cases when you are jealous. Just like that. Without any apparent reason.
It's enough if your friend gives the cashier a little smile. Or if he comes 5 minutes late to the date.
After all, that's proof that he's cheating on you! Or?
At the latest, when constantly looking for self-invented evidence, jealousy becomes a torment for love. And for both of you.
When the fear of loss begins to shape everyday life, the quality of life suffers.
You are constantly worried and tense. This also leaves physical consequences.
Jealousy has nothing to do with love. Those who are jealous want to constrict their partner and control him.
Love allows the partner freedom to realize and develop.
What are the most common causes of jealousy
There are many reasons for jealous behavior. But most often the behavior is due to three causes.
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1. fear of loss
What a lot of people don't know is that jealousy can have its roots in childhood. That is, your partner triggers it now. But actually behind it hides a rejection from long ago.
When parents quarrel often, children become afraid of losing mom or dad. This is called the experience of loss in childhood.
Perhaps the person involved has actually lost a loved one.
You felt left alone and abandoned.
This can often happen when a sibling is born.
If a parent was addicted to alcohol or drugs, then you could not build a reliable and stable relationship.
Most of the time, this fear is ignored. But it does not go away. Quite the opposite. It continues to grow in the subconscious.
We take it with us into adulthood. And here it influences our entire love life.
Because even as adults we are then constantly afraid that we will be abandoned.
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2. self-worth as a cause of jealousy
Low self-esteem can lead to jealousy. If you don't feel 100%ig comfortable in your body, it can quickly spill over into the relationship.
The feeling of not being worth anything can turn into very bad jealousy. It becomes dangerous when you make your own well-being dependent on your partner.
Affected people very often have self-doubt. They are convinced that the partner does not find them attractive.
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Only those who love themselves are not afraid of comparison with others. And no fear of not being enough.
This can also arise in childhood. If a child constantly experiences devaluation, then it may be that he never learns to love and accept himself.
Jealousy causes example
"I'm sure he's cheating, my breasts are just too small. He constantly looks at other women's breasts. Today he was certainly again the large-breasted work colleague lunch. I'll have to check his cell phone right away, I'm sure she sent him photos. Then I finally catch him in the act. Tomorrow I'll just surprise him at work. He will make eyes, especially his work colleague. I'll show her!"
As you can see, this is a good example of pathological jealousy. It actually starts from too little self-confidence. And it makes waves into everyday life.
But you don't have to have huge breasts for him to love you. He does it that way, too. However, you can quickly destroy that with your jealousy.
3. bad experiences from other relationships
I dare to say that 80% of all adults have been cheated on at some point. This does not always have to be related to a relationship. It can also be that your best friend has abused your trust.
But the most common cause is an infidelity of the ex-partner. We were hurt, and that hurts for a long time. While the pain gets a little better after time, the fear that this could happen again is constantly present.
Under no circumstances do we want to go through that again.
So you watch especially what your partner does. So that this time you recognize the signs immediately. But this leads nothing to the goal.
You have to learn to trust. And realize that they are not the same person.
Factors that promote jealousy
However, there are also factors that lead to the fact that pathological jealousy is favored.
- Fear of loss
- Love withdrawal
- Too little attention and care from the partner
- Infidelity of the partner
- Own uncertainty
- obvious familiarity of the partner to a third person
What are the alarm signs of pathological jealousy
Look at these questions very carefully. If you answer yes to more than two questions, then you are already at risk of being jealous. The more questions you answer yes to, the more jealous you are.
- Do you think every day that your partner is cheating on you?
- Do you check his cell phone and emails?
- Do you play spy when your partner goes out without you?
- Are you making jealous scenes to your partner?
- Thinking about how you might ask your partner trick questions?
- Do you make control calls or control visits?
So now we know that jealousy has causes that one would not even suspect at first. But what is the best thing to do about it now?
If your jealousy is pathological, that is, your whole day revolves around it, then you should seek professional help. There is really nothing wrong with it! An outside person can help you assess the situation neutrally.
How you can work through the causes of jealousy
If love is suffering and you can't have a stable relationship, then you should find the reason.
The fact that jealousy causes originated somewhere is important to recognize. Most often it is not the current partner, but a remnant from the past.
It has something to do with your parents, your ex relationship, or your self-worth.
With a psychologist against jealous behavior
Many hear the word "psychologist" and immediately shake their heads. "I don't have a clue that I have to see a psycho doctor" and similar things can be heard.
But this is complete nonsense!
In many cases, traumatic losses in childhood are the cause. It does not help to bury one's head in the sand, but only to undergo therapy.
Often the injuries are very deep and must first be slowly worked through. Before you can trust your new partner.
We can't do that ourselves because we are trapped in our thoughts.
Fighting jealousy with your partner
You may now have realized that your jealousy has causes for which your partner can do nothing.
It helps to talk as a couple what is allowed and what is not allowed in the relationship. Both agree on certain rules of behavior. For this, any kind of control is then taboo.
If you yourself are affected by jealousy, then you should distract yourself. Find an exciting hobby and build up your own circle of friends.
The more recognition you get in life, the better it is for your self-confidence. It makes you independent and no longer jealous.
Our conclusion
There are many forms and causes of jealousy. The first step is to realize that it is not normal behavior. If you have always been very jealous, then the reason probably lies in your childhood.
If jealousy has developed with a past relationship, then you need to realize that your new partner has nothing to do with it.
If jealousy is strong, it can help to get help.
All the best!
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