You wonder if you can learn to argue properly? Yes, you can! And here you will learn how to have constructive arguments without insults.
After a stressful day come home and then really switch off. Talk with your partner about the day, cuddle harmoniously and simply enjoy the beautiful time. Isn't that what we all want? But unfortunately, not everything is always vain bliss.
Sometimes it also cracks quite. Maybe already at work and then at home again.
As the saying goes, it's all part of the game. But if you have to shout at each other, then at least do it constructively. We show you how you can learn to argue.
So that you can look each other in the eye at the end and both learn something for the next time.
Because if you're constantly arguing with your partner over little things and you could fly off the handle, then you haven't really argued yet.
A constructive argument is not that easy. The reason for this is our emotions. They simply run away with us.
The problem: If you get too emotional, the conversation quickly becomes unconstructive. You just throw insults around. Facts are a foreign word. And in the end, everything becomes much uglier than it needs to be.
The more emotion we bring to the argument, the harder it gets.
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How you can learn to argue
Here are the best tips for arguing properly. They will help you to lead the heated conversation constructively. And thus strengthen the relationship instead of making things worse.
1. take your time
There is nothing worse than an argument that is settled between door and door.
Disputes are hard to plan for. But does it really have to be now? Or can't it wait? Do you really need to go shopping right now? Or do you take time to address the problem first? The supermarket is still open later.
This is the right way
Learning to argue means taking your time. Only then can you treat each other with respect and let the other person finish. And let all the other following points flow in.
2. avoid generalizations
Do words like "always", "never", "every time" slip over your lips? Then you know for sure that they have never led to the goal. The only thing they are sure to provoke is protest, shaking of heads and counter-reproaches.
Incidentally, this applies not only to generalizations, but also to exaggerations.
This is the right way
Avoid all kinds of generalizations. Instead of "You never clean out the dishwasher!" or "You never take out the trash!" stick to the specific situation. Explain what is bothering you right now in this moment. And how you feel.
And just between us: Men often don't check when we have mega much to do. We have to give them tasks. So don't expect him to see that the trash needs to be taken out. Tell him specifically what you want: "Can you please take out the trash?" I'm sure he'll understand.
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3. avoid sentences
"You always forget our anniversary! You don't care about us at all!" or "You left your socks lying around again!" A pretty blatant accusation. Try to avoid all sentences that start with you or you. This is a direct attack.
You are driving your partner into a corner. He will feel strongly attacked and try with all his might to get out of here. Mixed of course with a large portion of emotions. It will be difficult to come out of the situation constructively.
This is the right way
Explain how you are feeling right now. Try this, "I'm really hurt that today is our anniversary and I can't find any flowers at the table."
Or "I'm annoyed that the socks are on the floor."
This way you put your feelings in the center. Perhaps your friend is not even aware that he has offended/annoyed you so much with his action.
By telling him how you feel, he can put himself in your shoes. This creates the basis for a constructive discussion.
4. let bygones be bygones
He messed up before and you gave him a second chance? Very often old dirty laundry is washed in emotional quarrels. Mistakes are rehashed that happened years ago and were actually forgiven long ago.
Often they are not even directly related to today's dispute. This does not bring you closer to the solution of the problem.
This is the right way
In an argument, you should address the current situation and not dig up things long forgotten. Let bygones be bygones. Don't be resentful, otherwise every argument will only revolve around the same 3 topics.
You will not find any solutions this way.
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5. in private
Have an argument out loud in public. Until everyone in the café sees what you throw at each other. A really nice scene like in a Hollywood movie. But it is not healthy. You should never argue in front of others.
Even if the situation is annoying you right now. If you want to learn to argue, you have to learn to let it sink in a little. You can talk it out at home. It can't be so important that you both have to explode right away, right?
This is the right way
It is your relationship - it concerns only the two of you. Disputes have no place in front of friends, relatives or strangers. They concern only your partner and you.
So you should always discuss it one-on-one.
6. hide error
"You!", "You!", "You!" - and what about you? If you want to learn to argue, you must not put yourself in the victim role. It happens very often that you blame the partner for everything and play the pious lamb yourself.
But let's be honest: You're not that innocent either, are you?
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Always keep in mind that you also have to bear responsibility for your problems. Do not hide your own mistakes.
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7. not listening
You're at 180 right now, really angry, pissed off and offended. You don't let your partner get a word in edgewise and throw a whole series of accusations at him.
If he ever gets a word in edgewise, you go right back to confrontation.
In many arguments, people overhear the other person's problems because they want to get rid of their own arguments quickly.
A solution to the problem becomes more distant with every word.
This is the right way
Learning to argue also always means listening. Respect each other when speaking. Let him finish and listen to him! Try to put yourself in his shoes. Of course, he has to do the same with you.
This will help both of you to recognize your own mistakes.
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8. avoid passive-aggressive behavior
You are a queen of sarcasm? Irony is your middle name? Nice! But it has no place in a relationship or in an argument.
Jokes at the expense of the partner are very hurtful. They also do not contribute to the solution and fuel conflicts.
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Forget about things like "saying it through the nose" because you don't want to offend him or hope he finally checks out. That's not how men are wired. They need very concrete instructions and statements.
If you say something, say it directly. Irony, sarcasm or flowery language have no place in your conversations. They lead to misunderstandings and then end up in a fight again.
9. summarize
We now know that if you want to learn to argue properly, you have to listen to the other person, respect them, let them talk, and respond to each other.
If you want to change your argument culture, keep summarizing the conversation.
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Try to summarize what he said. Especially if you are not sure whether you have understood him correctly. The phrase "Did I understand correctly that ..." is good for this.
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10. avoid insults
Words can hurt and hurt us quite a bit. In the event of a violent row, insulting words slip out of your mouth very quickly. And you can't undo them.
Insults of any kind do not allow for constructive conversations. Hold back on swear words.
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Take a deep breath and realize that this is not about offending him now. It's what happened. You are angry. And you have every right in the world to be.
However, arguing is about finding a common solution and clarifying the situation. Do not let yourself be guided by anger and offenses.
Take a deep breath and choose your words carefully. Avoid all insults!
Why both relationship types need to learn to argue
There are the permanent fighters and the couples who never fight. Which group do you belong to? By the way, there is rarely a middle ground.
In every relationship there will be a quarrel or trouble. A quarrel is not something negative from the outset. It serves to put one's dissatisfaction, neglected needs and desires openly on the table. And finally to work together to make things better.
Even in the most harmonious relationship, people sometimes disagree.
The "We Never Fight" Couple
And yes, there are couples who have been together for 10 years and can count their fights on one hand. It just never breaks. This can have several reasons. But this much in advance: It is not because they are 10000% mega happy.
Often loud conversations no longer take place for the sake of peace. You simply don't have any more energy and don't want to torture yourself. One prefers to leave it as it is. Very often, fear of loss is the reason for this behavior.
These couples avoid any argument because at least one person is afraid of losing the other.
The problem is that the dissatisfaction does not disappear. It accumulates and is pent up. And at some point, even the most understanding barrel overflows. However, the emotions have then changed from dissatisfaction to anger.
In other words, when things go wrong, they really escalate. Often, such relationships are even destroyed by such a dispute.
That's why learning to argue is mega important for such couples. Because if they had argued before, the trust would not be completely down now.
The "We fight all the time" couple
And then, of course, there is the other extreme. They have to learn to argue in order to steer their disputes in an orderly direction.
If you belong to this group, you are constantly arguing with your partner about little things. Sometimes it's a glass that hasn't been put away. And sometimes the ominous toothpaste tube.
These couples often go off the deep end over things that others wouldn't even notice.
But very often it is not the toothpaste tube that is to blame for the quarrel. There are much deeper problems that have shaken the relationship for a long time. It could be power games or that one of the two feels neglected and seeks attention.
But no matter which group you belong to, it is important to deal with the topic of learning to argue. Because only then the relationship has a chance.
What couples argue about most often
Maybe learning to argue will make it easier for you if you know what others are discussing and where their disagreements lie. You'll see that you're not alone and that almost everyone faces the same challenges.
- 38% Bad habits of the partner
- 34% Cleanliness and tidiness
- 26% Money and finance
- 24% Budget and distribution of tasks
- 20% Parents/In-laws
- 19% Comments while driving
- 19% Freedoms within a relationship
Our conclusion
If you want to learn to argue, you must first be able to respond to the other person and move from an insulting to a factual level. Personal attacks do not help anyone. Especially not your relationship.
Try to create a culture of conversation in which you both feel comfortable. And you can talk about what bothers you and depresses you.
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