Separation or reconciliation? What is current right now? Do we love each other or not? Do I even like you anymore? Welcome to the On Off Relationship!
These are exactly the questions many people ask themselves when they are "trapped" in an on-off relationship. And yes, trapped is exactly the right word in most cases.
Separating and reconciling over and over again can be quite stressful.
Feelings go crazy between heartbreak and being in love. Such ups and downs and back and forths are pure emotional pressure.
Table of contents
There is hope that things will work out after all. Maybe the great love will be found at the tenth relationship revival.
Yes, that's exactly what it will be. I'll gladly bite the bullet a tenth and eleventh time. Maybe then everything will be fine and all the stress will have been worth it.
Honestly girls: In 95% of the cases an on off relationship is not worth it. But let's start slowly and from the beginning.
Do you really want me to break up with him?
What an On Off relationship even is
An on off relationship is nothing like when you're looking forward to a crispy and juicy lasagna when you go out to eat. One that is topped with extra cheese and served with delicious tomato sauce.
A feast for the palate!
But all you get is a cold soggy pizza. It has been reheated 10 times. It is hard, dry and absolutely tasteless.
But you struggle through it. You take the old pizza and hope for the taste of a juicy lasagna. You bite into the hard piece of dough full of expectation and hope, and you grit your teeth on it.
It must have been nothing again.
The whole thing happens at regular intervals. Over and over again.
Your best friend asks you about your relationship status and you are completely at a loss. Sometimes you don't even know if you're single again or in a relationship.
You cannot have a stable relationship with this partner.
Nevertheless, you always return to each other. This can be after a few days or weeks, rarely it takes years.
How you can save your relationship after all!
Even if the fear of being alone is great, many return to the old partner. The fact that the relationship didn't work out before doesn't matter for the time being.
Over time, however, the same routines and patterns set in as before. The crises and disputes repeat themselves. This is stressful for everyone involved. Not only for the couple themselves, but also for their friends and families.
Most couples do not feel comfortable in such a partnership. However, due to a lack of alternatives or courage, they do not dare to try something new.
A vicious circle begins, from which it is very difficult to break out. The reconciliations make you forget the many crises and the grief.
What the constant breakup does to us
An on off relationship means constant separations and reconciliations. This can become exhausting and even unhealthy in the long run. The emotional back and forth and the drama do us no good in the long run.
The partners realize that the relationship is no longer working and separate. This is how it usually works.
The reasons for this can be very different. You have grown apart or simply no longer love each other. Or you no longer have anything in common. Maybe things aren't going well in bed either.
But actually it doesn't matter why you are separating. In any case, the realization that you do not fit together is part of it.
It is different with an on-off relationship. Here, the partners do not see that you are no longer suited to each other. You continue to think that you are good for each other and so you keep coming back to each other.
However, the constant change between distance and closeness also causes problems. On the one hand, negative feelings arise and you feel insecure. In addition, each of you has to carry a lot of emotional burden.
Negative feelings
In an on-off relationship, there is constant back and forth. During the breakups, you feel bad and heartbroken. During the reunions, everything seems to be perfect again.
Separation pain is known to be the worst emotional pain. The brain activates the same sensors as it does for physical pain. As a result, people suffering from lovesickness often suffer from physical symptoms as well. So the broken heart is not just a myth.
With these signs, you need to end your relationship immediately!
With an on off love you experience this pain of separation very often in a very short time. Every separation and reconciliation hurts again and you suffer.
But even in the on phase of the relationship, not everything is perfect. Quarrels, discussions and drama characterize the agenda.
This leads to self-doubt, frustration and disappointment. The negative feelings accumulate and often you do not succeed in overcoming them.
Uncertainty
Have you ever been caught in an on off love? Then you certainly know the insecurity that haunts you day after day. Actually, a relationship is supposed to give support and be the pole of tranquility.
At home you want to come down and relax from the stressful everyday life. Nobody wants more stress and drama.
Of course, even the best relationship can't always be perfect. But the positives should outweigh the negatives. You should feel comfortable with your partner and trust him.
Knowing that someone is always there to catch you is very important. So a relationship should stand for support, strength, stability and security.
In an on-off relationship, however, these four things are not a given. It is always uncertain how long the relationship will last.
Even whether the partner loves you is questioned again and again. In the long run, this insecure feeling is exhausting and stressful.
Old ballast
At the beginning of a relationship there is always getting to know each other and feeling things out. Not so with an on-off relationship. If this is refreshed again, you already know the partner from previous relationships.
The previously developed routines are usually simply picked up again. But that is often precisely the problem. After all, the relationship did not work for certain reasons.
If you just seamlessly pick up where you left off, it doesn't work.
This means that after the separation and reconciliation, the old ballast is dragged along.
How to overcome your heartbreak for good in just a few steps
The anger, the disappointment, everything is in the back of your mind. If there is a crisis, you quickly become aware of it again. All this leads to the fact that an on-off love often does not last long.
Why we enter into On Off relationships
Why do I keep going through this? Many people who live in on-off love probably ask themselves that.
The causes are often relatively simple, you feel that you no longer fit together. But at the same time, you can't let go of your partner because there are still feelings.
A second chance for the relationship may not be wrong. But if you reheat your love for the fifth time, it probably won't work out. Because as the saying goes: only goulash tastes good when it's warmed up.
However, couples in an on-off relationship usually live by the motto: "Hope dies last."
But why exactly do people keep returning to the old partner? The most common causes are fear of commitment and fear of being alone.
Commitment Anxiety
Those who enter into an on-off relationship often suffer from commitment anxiety. You are afraid to trust a new partner. Also the loss of independence and personal freedom are motives not to start a real relationship.
You don't want to lose your independence, so you leave the option open to break up.
An on off relationship develops. You break up as soon as you have the feeling that you are no longer independent. But it is often only a temporary separation. As soon as the longing for the partner is greater than the fear of commitment, it starts all over again.
Attachment anxiety is a stressful issue that makes a relationship very difficult. Talking to a therapist can help. But it is also important that you talk to your partner. He can allow you more freedom and reduce the fear of constriction.
Fear of being alone
But an on-off relationship with separations and reconciliations can also have another cause. The fear of being alone pushes many people back to the old partner.
It is better to enter into a love for time than to be single. So you can enjoy the closeness and love of your partner.
If there are conflicts, you do not have to deal with them, but can simply break up. This way, both partners remain independent.
In addition, some people are afraid of being abandoned. Then the security that a partner provides is missing. The care and love is also missed.
When you should end an on off relationship
If the relationship is too much of a burden, it should be ended. No matter how long you have been together, what you have experienced together and whether you have children. Burdens are not good for you.
An on-off relationship sometimes lasts several years. Often it doesn't work out and you realize that it was a waste of time. Maybe you would have found a new, better partner during this time.
You wanted so much the juicy lasagna with extra tomato sauce and cheese. But you had to eat the cold, soggy pizza that had already been reheated 10 times. Let that melt in your mouth!
Anyone who thinks logically will realize by the third relationship crisis (i.e. 3x cold pizza) at the latest that it doesn't work. But love is blind, as we all know.
That's why many are stuck in a cycle of separation or reconciliation. You block yourself out of fear of not finding a partner or entering into a real relationship.
We have put together a few questions that you can ask yourself. This way you can analyze the relationship objectively.
- What benefits does the on-off relationship really have for me?
- Is the lack of commitment oppressive or liberating? Which feeling is stronger?
- How often do I think about life without my partner? And how often do I imagine a future together? Which thought is more hopeful?
- What reasons are there that speak against a firm, stable relationship? Is it perhaps because of a certain characteristic of my partner?
- What are the reasons against separation?
Enter the points from the last two questions in a table. In this way, you can make yourself aware of what speaks for and against a separation.
If the points for a breakup prevail, you know that the relationship is not good for you. In the long run, you will be happier without this partner.
How you can save an on off relationship
It is important to reflect on why the relationship has not worked so far. Do you have commitment anxiety, perhaps? Do you love your partner at all? Do you feel like you deserve someone better? Are you afraid of being alone?
By asking these questions, you can first find the reason for the temporary separation. After that, you can better fix the problem.
Individual therapy can help to recognize one's own problems, wishes and needs. This is the prerequisite to work on the problem as a couple.
For many couples, couples therapy is then an option. Here, both partners can address their concerns and problems in a protected environment.
The concrete solution to the problem depends on the individual case. It often happens that one partner needs more distance in the relationship.
If the other partner can accept this and allows more freedom, the relationship can work.
Our conclusion
An on-off relationship is not good for either of them. Often both think that they can not live without the other. Also the fear of not finding a new partner is often the motivation for such a relationship.
In order not to burden oneself, a way out of this separation and reconciliation situation should be found. In some cases it is possible to form a stable relationship. But if the relationship is a burden, a line should be drawn.
To browse further:
* Advertising & affiliate links: Our website is financed by advertising and affiliate links. As a partner of linked stores (e.g. Amazon) we earn from qualified sales.
Read more